June 5th, 2009
Hey, and welcome to the KittyButts teabag challenge! Hate to break it to you, but this is Mike. Not Chrissy, our resident tea expert.
We are here to talk about a different kind of teabagging. Anyone who's ever been in a frat, played Halo, or used the Internet for more than five minutes knows what this is. And, well, I propose a challenge! You must... teabag!
The idea is too teabag the most dangerous and unexpected person or thing. You will be graded!
Here are some guidelines for points.
Passed out dude on your couch: 1 point.
Dude whose couch you passed out on: 5 points.
Housecat (Declawed): 10 points.
Housecat (With claws): 25 points.
Houseplant: -10 points.
Poison ivy: 40 points.
Porcupine: 50 points.
Wolverine: 75 points.
Lion: 100 points.
Bear trap: 60 points.
Trapped bear: 100 points.
Beehive: 75 points.
Self-teabagging: x2 multiplier.
Tea bags: 0 points.
Iced tea: 2 points.
Hot tea: 30 points.
You get the idea! So go out there and put your balls on things! E-mail the photos!
Disclaimer: All participants must be 18 or older. Please do not harm or emotionally scar any animals, people, or plants in the making of this challenge. Don't actually do this challenge.
P.S. Ladies, I know you lack the equipment to perform this challenge. Therefore, uh, well, no idea what to tell you on this one. Sorry.
[Man, this post is moronic. Oh well, we need the content.]
April 16th, 2009
Sorry we haven't posted in forever. Things are hectic. To make up for it, here's a picture of a piece of cake.
This here is quality cake. It's got carrots in it. How do you like that? Vegetables? In my cake? It's more likely than you think!
Also cream cheese frosting. Which like... blows every other frosting out of the water. You know... if frosting was in the water. All swimming around like some kind of soggy fish.
Don't even get me started on fish.
Actually, do. I'm going to talk about fish soon. Eventually. Someday. Maybe.
BUT LOOK AT THAT CAKE!
February 12th, 2009
So, it's been entirely too long since Part 1 of Andy and I dug deep into the mines of terrible, awful music. You'll recall from Part 1 that we looked at Aggrotech, which generally hurt our ears and our very souls. Well, we're back for round two.
This time we'll be looking at J-Core. Or at least what came up as J-Core, because seriously, who the fuck even known? J-Core is short for Japanese Hardcore. Which is strange, because everything we listened to sounded like terrible Japanese electronica to me. So, let's go... let's review this stuff. I've been sitting on this post for over a month now just because I didn't want to relive it. You've been warned.
But first, just to put this off a bit longer, the usual crap. I'm listed as M and Andy is listed as, you guessed it, A. Astounding. Also, surprisingly, we had trouble finding J-Core! In our journey, for example, we were looking for a J-Core DJ named Alabaster. And we got this:
Alabaster. Once there, as you'll see, listen to "Hypochondriac."
M: I guess we know what to expect here...
M: Aaaand, let's see if we're right.
Go on... are you listening? Listen... you'll see exactly what we saw. Or... heard?
A: I don't think this is the J-Core artist.
M: Tears of fury raping your cheeks?
A: It doesn't sound very J or Core.
M: This is the indie band with the same name.
A: damnit!
Yeah, we found this:
What appears to be maybe a band break-up in the guise of a suicide letter...
What we were looking for was this:
But, we didn't find any of his music, so we soldiered on, trying to find out what this J-Core was about.
A: J-Core.
A: Check out the player on the right. There's a band/artist named ReijiiNeko.
A: Let's try that.
M: Pipiru pirupiru pipiru piiiii?
"Pipiru Pirupiru Pipiru Piiiii"- ReijiiNeko (As always, click the song title and hit play. I'd love to provide a video, or maybe I wouldn't.)
You know, I like Andy's summary of this so much, I'm just going to use it. I can't sum it up any better.
Oh yes friends, we found the real deal. And it's annoying as hell: a mind numbing repetition of simple techno beats with some loud and irritating Anime quotes played over it- again and again.
A: This is kind of creepy.
M: This is from the land of creepy, so is it any surprise?
A: Techno with a bunch of girls giggling.
A: Only in Japan.
M: It's obviously remixed anime dialogue.
A: Right.
A: So J-Core is Japanese techno? [Note: No, it turns out that is called J-Tek. I don't care to find out the subtle differences right now.]
M: I guess.
M: With a lot of screaming.
A: I'm kind of disappointed.
M: I love the vomiting sound.
A: Well, that was three more precious minutes of my life stolen by Japan.
Before continuing, you know what? Give "TerrorRape" a listen. It's angrier techno! With hentai screams mixed in! I'd like to preemptively step in right now and award ReijiiNeko the Genre Plunge Medal of Creepy. Way to go, ReijiiNeko. W-way... way to go... get out now. Don't come back.
So, you'll remember that the format of the last genre plunge was picking out three or so artists and listening to two or three tracks from each. Because of the nature of these artists, namely them being hard to track down and us probably not wanting to review TerrorRape, we broke the format and... mobved on. Far away.
Now, I won't lie. ReijiiNeko isn't the only reason we moved on. Back on the J-Core page, I saw an artist named Yoshi J. I like Yoshi. Yoshi is a cool guy.
A: Alright, let's go with Yoshi.
M: Because I'm praying for Yoshi noises.
A: And that's probably what you'll get.
M: I hope so. It is over 6 minutes though...
"Kaechi! Teochi! Yoshi!" - Yoshi J (You know the drill.)
Turns out Yoshi J is American. And has only ever made 8 songs. I'm sorry I haven't been including pictures, but these people don't have pictures...
M: Oh hell yes, there it is.
A: You got your wish.
A: 6 minutes of it.
M: This is... boring. Really boring.
A: Too bad everything except the Yoshi noises is really dull.
A: Why can't we find anything better?
M: Is this Japanese or some white kid with wallscrolls and a copy of Garage Band? [Note: The latter! Only with Fruity Loops, not Garage Band!]
A: Damned if i know.
M: Okay, it's getting a bit more interesting, right?
A: I guess.
A: But i still wish we could find a better example of J-Core.
M: Tell me it is. Please... because... it's not.
M: Screw you, Yoshi J. I liked Yoshis A through I better.
Well, Yoshi had failed us. As had last.fm. Failed us absolutely. So, we did something no sane person should do. We went to YouTube.
A: Ok, we may have something.
M: Link please.
A: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDXoxtkOHN8
A: I think the song is called t+pazolite. [Note: Nope, the song is called NECROPOTENCE. The artist is t+pazolite. Glad that's cleared up...]
"NECROPOTENCE" - t+pazolite.
Well, we failed again with this song. It's not even really J-Core. It's Japanese Speedcore. Which is like J-Core only twice as fast and four times as terrible. There's even a disclaimer saying J-Core fans might not like it. Imagine us poor J-Core non-fans.
This might be t+pazolite. Who knows.
A: This is more like what I thought, but a lot more techno-ish still.
A: And very annoying.
M: This... this is horrible.
A: Yes it is.
A: It sounds like someone masturbating a Casio keyboard.
M: I miss Aggrotech.
A: Don't say that, man!
A: Pull yourself together!
M: You wouldn't rather listen to Cruciform Injection?
A: I would but I can't have you focusing on the past.
GENRE WINNER: NONE! YOU ARE ALL LOSERS IN OUR EYES!
We were done there. After that excursion, it was found to be more ear-rape (sometimes literally... thanks Neko) than I could handle. Do you know of any good J-Core? Good. Keep it to yourselves. I'm done with mashed-up video game and anime sound effects put to a skipping 'this came with my music software' beat. Join us next time in, what, May or so? We'll be reviewing... some other horrible genre of music. Or you'll finally get Shpongle. I hope we do Shpongle next. Until then!
(All images from last.fm. Songs found on last.fm or YouTube.)
